Today In Sport

Snowboarding.  A creation for people who could not figure out how to ski.  It was like the Boogie Board is to Surfing.  But somehow they made a go of it and turned it into something interesting.  So interesting that it became an extreme sport, somehow.

But now it has made a break from its Winter X-Games home and ventured out into the big city of mainstream sports.  But why are we so enamoured of this sport?  Is it its many discplines such as the halfpipe (stolen from skateboarding), Big Air (stolen from SuperX) or the races (stolen from….the races).

It is a sport that is full of sick, wicked, gnarly, goofy and full on crazy people with a language all their own.  When the commentator says they just hit a 720 backside indian air stalefish monosodium glutomate with 3 twists that he landed goofy, then you just have to nod and smile politely.

If not for Shaun White, no-one would have any idea who any of these guys are.

TodayInSport Insanity Rating - 8/10.

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Speed skating.  The name conjures up images of people skating speedily.  There are two types of speed skating, one is on a massive track and the other is on a tiny track.  These are called Massive Track Speed Skating and Tiny Track Speed Skating.

In Massive Track (or Long Track as it is sometimes referred to) skaters try to outpace their direct opponent whilst trying not to smash into them on the crossovers.  As with any race, first over the line with the fastest time overall wins.  At top speed these guys can reach speeds of bloody fast.

In Tiny Track (or Short Track if you will) skaters try to race around whilst avoiding each other as they slide out into the side walls.  It is like a human version of Dodgem Cars, but with more spectacular crashes.  Being fastest is not always best as Steven Bradbury showed last Olympics.

He managed to sit at the back of the pack and wait for everyone to crash and then glide past them for the win.  Excellent tactics that sh0uld be employed by more competitors.

TodayInSport Insanity Rating - 3/10 Massive Track  9/10 Tiny Track. (continue reading…)

Quite simply, this is a sport for gymnasts with a death wish.  They go down a slight slope, hit a ramp, fly into the air and do a Flippy McTwisty Flopsy-do and then try and land back on the landing slope on your skis and without killing yourself.

Many have tried and failed.  But still they get back up and try again.  If at first you don’t succeed, try again then quit.  No sense killing yourself over a small round piece of metal.  But good luck to these crazy men and women without their flying machines.

TodayInSport Insanity Rating - 8/10. (continue reading…)

Ever since the first person strapped a couple of planks of wood to his feet and hurtled down a mountain, insane people have loved skiing.  But simply going forward was not enough for some people.  They decided to put turns and gates in the way.  Thus the sport of Downhill Skiing was ruined…..I mean invented.

Skiing has many disciplines, just like swimming, and each has its own set of required skills.  Downhill Skiing requires you to be able to ski fast whilst turning a bit.  Slalom skiing on the other hand, requires you to be able to ski fast whilst turning a lot.

There is Slalom and Giant Slalom and Super Giant Slalom and Oh My God This Is Insane Slalom (or I may have made that last one up) and each is more death defying than the last.  The Downhill Skiing is just as insane, because you don’t turn as much and you go a hell of a lot faster.

As with any fast sport, there are crashes.  Luckily there are catch fences along the course and also random people standing on the sidelines ready to stop your fall.  These fences are designed to slow you down and also break some bones.

The fastest one to the finish and still alive is declared the winner.

TodayInSport Insanity Rating - 7/10. (continue reading…)

In 1632 near Interlaken, Switzerland a skier was making his way down a mountain on his way to the local mushroom shoppe.  On the way down he was startled by what he thought was a Yeti (but was later discovered to be a snow covered tree) and made a turn that would have far reaching consequences for him and the world.

Hans Schnitzelgrubben headed straight for a snow covered cliff.  As he reached the lip of the cliff he noticed there was a hill about 50 metres away so he summoned all his strength and launched himself towards the hill.  Landing safely, Hans stopped and looked back at the jump he had just made and thus a sport was born.

Since this time rather than leaping off random cliffs, the coordinators of this madness built custom made ramps for the participants to leap off of.  This made the sport a hell of a lot more saf…err, controlled.

The sport has been dominated by Finns for the last gazillion years.  It appears they have become proficient at the sport after all their years of practice trying to escape from their country.

TodayInSport Insanity Rating - 9/10 (continue reading…)

Once upon a time there was a sport called Hockey.  It was played on grass and it was boring.  Then the winter came and the surrounding lakes became frozen.  The people tried to play their Hockey game on the lake and it was harder but infinitely more enjoyable.

They decided to use their shoes strapped to a toboggan skate to move around the ice better.  These eventually evolved into the skates we know today.  For the first 389 years in the Olympics that Ice hockey was a part of, the Russian team, with their wild stares and even wilder hair, ruled the rink.  That was until 1980.

In 1980, at Lake Placid a group of ragtag American boys attempted the biggest upset since Joan of Arc was done winning battles.  They stood in front of the hated Russians and huffed and puffed and blew their house down.  And then beat some Finns for good measure.

Since then, the world’s greatest players now plying their trade in the National Hockey League in North America have joined the fray and the stakes have never been higher.  This will be the greatest hockey tournament in the history of mankind, or they will die trying.

TodayInSport Intensity Rating - Cold War x10/10. (continue reading…)

After years of not being able to see where they are going, the Luge contestants got together and devised a concept that was even more ludicrous, Skeleton.

What better way to scare yourself silly than to throw yourself down an ice tunnel head first.  This is without doubt one of the most insane sports ever invented and we thank them for the privilege of watching them avoid death at every turn.

God speed, you crazy men and women on your thin planks of plastic!

TodayInSports Insanity Rating - ARE YOU F@#$ING KIDDING/10. (continue reading…)

Shortly after a Bobsled track was installed in Salzburg, Austria an Italian born Austrian harpsichord virtuoso named Luigi Lugio (Lugey to his friends) was involved in an incident that would change the course of sports history.

Luigi was tobogganing down a mountain from his house when he accidentally veered off course and straight onto the newly built Bobsled track.  He proceeded to hurtle down the track at such a tremendous speed that he was thrown back into the prone position on his toboggan.  He smashed the track record.

When he arrived at the end of the course and after a few moments to collect himself, he was approached by Bobsled expert Bernhard Hitchfield who asked him to do it again.  He did so and thus the sport of Luge was born.  Over the years the sled has evolved from a board on two skates to a more advanced board on two skates.

The only advantage that this sport has over Bobsled is that you cannot see where you are going and that just happens to be a very good thing.  Crashes happen often and it is best that you don’t see them coming.  Once again the Germans have ruined this sport by being too good.

TodayInSport insanity rating - 9/10. (continue reading…)

Bob Sledding was first invented in 1467 by unknown Russian Physicist and Turnip grower, Roberto Sledovinski as a means to get from his house at the top of a hill to his turnip field below.  Over the coming years he sought to better his time down the mountain and streamlined his craft.

He would also go on to create a larger model that could cater for his wife and two children, thus inventing the 4-man bobsled.  The whereabouts of Mr Sledovinski’s initial prototype sled are unknown as he and his family were killed in some kind of freak accident near his turnip patch.  The family were buried in a cylindrical coffin at the base of the mountain.

Centuries later, after hearing stories of the legendary Bob Sledovinski and his invention, the Winter Olympic committee in an attempt to come up with more sports for their festival decided to build a long winding tunnel of ice and see if anyone would go down it in a coffin on skates.

Surprisingly there were a few takers and thus the sport of Bob Sled was brought into the public consciousness.  Ever since that time, Germany have made the sport completely boring by winning everything in sight.  Oh and there was a brief flirtation with fame when John Candy made a movie about a bunch of Jamaicans who were tricked into thinking they were attending a Bob Marley concert and then forced to participate for the good of ratings in all of the equatorial countries of the world.

TodayInSport Insanity Rating - 8 out of 10.

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Last night, Pakistan ODI cricket captain Shahid Afridi decided to have a mid innings snack by taking a bite out of the ball.  the ball was changed soon after amid howls of ball tampering from all and sundry.  he has since been found guilty of misconduct and banned for the next two matches.

But are we not seeing the bigger picture here?  What if Afridi has a medical condition that has brought him to this point?  After an exhaustive few minutes of research I have discovered a rare eating disorder called Foodconfusionitis whereby the person sometimes confuses everyday items for food.

Does Afridi have this condition and did he mistake the ball for an apple in the heat of the moment?  It is highly likely that this man is in desperate need of medical attention before he tries to eat something a little more deadly than a cricket ball.