Today In Sport

In 1632 near Interlaken, Switzerland a skier was making his way down a mountain on his way to the local mushroom shoppe.  On the way down he was startled by what he thought was a Yeti (but was later discovered to be a snow covered tree) and made a turn that would have far reaching consequences for him and the world.

Hans Schnitzelgrubben headed straight for a snow covered cliff.  As he reached the lip of the cliff he noticed there was a hill about 50 metres away so he summoned all his strength and launched himself towards the hill.  Landing safely, Hans stopped and looked back at the jump he had just made and thus a sport was born.

Since this time rather than leaping off random cliffs, the coordinators of this madness built custom made ramps for the participants to leap off of.  This made the sport a hell of a lot more saf…err, controlled.

The sport has been dominated by Finns for the last gazillion years.  It appears they have become proficient at the sport after all their years of practice trying to escape from their country.

TodayInSport Insanity Rating - 9/10

Once upon a time there was a sport called Hockey.  It was played on grass and it was boring.  Then the winter came and the surrounding lakes became frozen.  The people tried to play their Hockey game on the lake and it was harder but infinitely more enjoyable.

They decided to use their shoes strapped to a toboggan skate to move around the ice better.  These eventually evolved into the skates we know today.  For the first 389 years in the Olympics that Ice hockey was a part of, the Russian team, with their wild stares and even wilder hair, ruled the rink.  That was until 1980.

In 1980, at Lake Placid a group of ragtag American boys attempted the biggest upset since Joan of Arc was done winning battles.  They stood in front of the hated Russians and huffed and puffed and blew their house down.  And then beat some Finns for good measure.

Since then, the world’s greatest players now plying their trade in the National Hockey League in North America have joined the fray and the stakes have never been higher.  This will be the greatest hockey tournament in the history of mankind, or they will die trying.

TodayInSport Intensity Rating - Cold War x10/10.

After years of not being able to see where they are going, the Luge contestants got together and devised a concept that was even more ludicrous, Skeleton.

What better way to scare yourself silly than to throw yourself down an ice tunnel head first.  This is without doubt one of the most insane sports ever invented and we thank them for the privilege of watching them avoid death at every turn.

God speed, you crazy men and women on your thin planks of plastic!

TodayInSports Insanity Rating - ARE YOU F@#$ING KIDDING/10.

Shortly after a Bobsled track was installed in Salzburg, Austria an Italian born Austrian harpsichord virtuoso named Luigi Lugio (Lugey to his friends) was involved in an incident that would change the course of sports history.

Luigi was tobogganing down a mountain from his house when he accidentally veered off course and straight onto the newly built Bobsled track.  He proceeded to hurtle down the track at such a tremendous speed that he was thrown back into the prone position on his toboggan.  He smashed the track record.

When he arrived at the end of the course and after a few moments to collect himself, he was approached by Bobsled expert Bernhard Hitchfield who asked him to do it again.  He did so and thus the sport of Luge was born.  Over the years the sled has evolved from a board on two skates to a more advanced board on two skates.

The only advantage that this sport has over Bobsled is that you cannot see where you are going and that just happens to be a very good thing.  Crashes happen often and it is best that you don’t see them coming.  Once again the Germans have ruined this sport by being too good.

TodayInSport insanity rating - 9/10.

Bob Sledding was first invented in 1467 by unknown Russian Physicist and Turnip grower, Roberto Sledovinski as a means to get from his house at the top of a hill to his turnip field below.  Over the coming years he sought to better his time down the mountain and streamlined his craft.

He would also go on to create a larger model that could cater for his wife and two children, thus inventing the 4-man bobsled.  The whereabouts of Mr Sledovinski’s initial prototype sled are unknown as he and his family were killed in some kind of freak accident near his turnip patch.  The family were buried in a cylindrical coffin at the base of the mountain.

Centuries later, after hearing stories of the legendary Bob Sledovinski and his invention, the Winter Olympic committee in an attempt to come up with more sports for their festival decided to build a long winding tunnel of ice and see if anyone would go down it in a coffin on skates.

Surprisingly there were a few takers and thus the sport of Bob Sled was brought into the public consciousness.  Ever since that time, Germany have made the sport completely boring by winning everything in sight.  Oh and there was a brief flirtation with fame when John Candy made a movie about a bunch of Jamaicans who were tricked into thinking they were attending a Bob Marley concert and then forced to participate for the good of ratings in all of the equatorial countries of the world.

TodayInSport Insanity Rating - 8 out of 10.

Last night, Pakistan ODI cricket captain Shahid Afridi decided to have a mid innings snack by taking a bite out of the ball.  the ball was changed soon after amid howls of ball tampering from all and sundry.  he has since been found guilty of misconduct and banned for the next two matches.

But are we not seeing the bigger picture here?  What if Afridi has a medical condition that has brought him to this point?  After an exhaustive few minutes of research I have discovered a rare eating disorder called Foodconfusionitis whereby the person sometimes confuses everyday items for food.

Does Afridi have this condition and did he mistake the ball for an apple in the heat of the moment?  It is highly likely that this man is in desperate need of medical attention before he tries to eat something a little more deadly than a cricket ball.

There is growing speculation that Sir Alex Ferguson will soon be retiring from his post as Manchester United supremo.  So, I have decided to start a campaign to get Jasper Beardly the job as Sir Alex’s successor.

I have been able to obtain a copy of Jasper’s rules for the locker-room and they are frighteningly similar to SAF’s own list of demands and expectations.  So without further ado, here is Jasper Beardly’s list of things that will earn you a paddling.

1. Turning up late to training - that’s a paddlin’.
2. Complaining about lack of playing time - that’s a paddlin’.
3. Missing a shot from the six yard box - oh you better believe that’s a paddlin’.
4. Bringing up the name David Beckham - that’s a paddlin’…..and a boot in the face.
5. Bringing up the name Eric Cantona - c’est une paddlin’.
6. Taking your shirt off after scoring a goal - that’s a paddlin’…..unless you are Ryan Giggs.
7. Attempting to shoot from a 40 yard free kick when your name is not Cristiano Ronaldo - that’s a paddlin’.
8. Being named Cristiano Ronaldo - that’s a paddlin’ and a transfer to anyone who will pay us a ridiculous amount of money.
9. Being a goal scoring machine for another club but not for Man Utd - Dimitar, prepare for your paddlin’.
10. Not knowing when you are too old, too cranky and too drunk to continue managing the club - that’s a paddlin’.

Hopefully he gets the job soon.